Make America Laugh Again: Congressional Candidates Debate at Florida State College in Jacksonville

My Opening Comments, October 26, 2016

Photo by A.G. Gancarski

I read recently that intelligence is now considered a key element for sex appeal. You know, it really did take a genius to figure that out. Thank you very much! As I look around tonight, I am seeing a lot of intelligent people.

One thing that I will give you that these other candidates will not is a good joke to open every speech. That is my solemn promise to you, the voters.

Now on to the serious stuff. First, I’d like to thank the organizers of this event for inviting me to be here tonight. I’m especially delighted to be here at Florida State College in Jacksonville. Back in the 80s, when this fine institution was known as Florida Community College at Jacksonville, I earned my Associates Degree here. I took my first speech class at Kent Campus. When I was President of the North Florida Writers’ Group, we had our meetings at the Kent Campus. My eldest daughter earned her Associates Degree at FSCJ. My other daughter and my son are currently enrolled.

FSCJ has been preparing people in this part of the state for successful careers for a very long time. Unfortunately, the economy is not providing as many good opportunities as we’ve seen in the past. These days, you can do the right thing, study and earn your degree, and then graduate into a world where you get to earn minimum wage or a tiny bit more. We are years into the recovery from the Great Recession and the economy is growing at the anemic rate of two percent per year. That is not a growth rate which will produce the good jobs and the new businesses that people need to succeed. Two percent is completely unacceptable.

(This is where I got cut off for time. I should have been reading faster!)

The two party system has failed miserably to get the economy running. The two party system has also failed to produce good candidates for President. Many, many voters are likely to sit out this election because they cannot, in good conscience, vote for either candidate. Whichever candidate wins will start out as one of the most unpopular Presidents in our country’s history.  This is where the two party system has taken us. It’s not working.

It’s time for a new approach and I want to be part of that. That’s why I’m running with no party affiliation. The ballot will have the names of the Democrat, the Republican, and the Independent. Below their names there will be a blank line where you’ll be able to write in my name, Danny Murphy. I hope that you will consider doing something different and writing my name in on November 8^th.

I’m Danny Murphy, and I approve of this rant.

---

I won some Comedy Central contest 20 years ago with that sex appeal joke. However, it fell flat at the debate. I was the third candidate to make opening comments and people were looking around like, "What is this guy doing?" I didn't time the opening well either and I got cut off with two paragraphs to go. Oh well. It was an interesting night. I was the last candidate to close. I was feeling it by then and I closed pretty strong, as in funny. 

Hurricane Matthew Commemorative Shingles, from the House of Murf

Hurricane Matthew left a wake of destruction and devastation in its wicked wake. Along with blowing down stately oak trees and flooding coastal communities, it blew many shingles off rooftops, including mine. I had enough shingles blown off my roof to make a legitimate claim on my homeowner’s policy. The insurer will cover a portion of the cost for a new roof.  However, to protect my wife, our three children, and our beloved dog, Sparky, from the elements, there will still be a significant cost.

In order to meet this unexpected expense, I’m offering Hurricane Matthew Commemorative Shingles for just $25.00. 

Many people are in much more dire circumstances than I and my family are in. Matthew was a killer and the death toll in North Carolina alone has reached twenty-four! Considering that, I am going to donate fifty percent of funds raised to Samaritan’s Purse, a very responsible and well-managed organization. The donation will be designated for Hurricane Matthew Relief. The Hurricane Matthew Commemorative Shingles are genuine shingles which failed to weather the storm as it passed Jacksonville Beach. I will personalize shingles with any message requested.

A Hurricane Matthew Commemorative Shingle could be the perfect holiday gift for someone who is difficult to shop for. Imagine the surprise on your loved one’s face as he or she opens the package and asks, “What is it?” The supply is limited. Don’t miss this rare opportunity to own a piece of meteorological history and to help Hurricane Matthew survivors. 

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Texas Chaise Lounge Massacre: Halloween Jokes

You know how people sometimes tell you to sit down for bad news? Well maybe you should stand up for this terrifying tidbit. 

Sitting can be hazardous to your health!

Last year The Wall Street Journal published columns by Sumatha Reddy and Jason Gay on the dangers of sitting. For centuries, people have assumed that having a seat was safe. Now we know that sitting kills, and it should terrify everyone. 

This stunning news could inspire a new genre of horror films. Here are a few possible titles.

• Texas Chaise Lounge Massacre
• The Savage Seats
• Rabid Recliners
• Chair Chamber Bloodfest
• Attack of the Adirondacks
• The Bloody Barber Chair
• Dental Chair of Death
• Killer Couches from Outer Space

Those titles may seem like Halloween Jokes, but this is nothing to laugh about. The chairs aren’t coming. They’re already here, in our homes and cars, in our workplaces, in public parks and libraries – you name it. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

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Trump vs. Clinton in Elect-ageddon! Let’s get ready to rumble.

Courtesy of DonkeyHotey via Wikimedia Commons

Our main event promises to be both exciting and entertaining. Here is the tale of the tape. In the red corner, Deplorable Donald Trump stands six feet and three inches tall and weighs in at 236 pounds. In the blue corner, Crooked Hillary Clinton stands five feet six inches tall and weighs 132 pounds. Don’t let her size deceive you folks. As her past opponents have found out, she has a very formidable jab.

Trump clearly has a height and weight advantage, but Clinton has far more experience in this type of one-on-one battle. Indeed, in some important ways, this fight is almost like a seasoned pro facing an over-sized and over-confident amateur. However, Trump has been training hard for this event, and it should be noted that he probably will have a few interesting tricks up his sleeve.

While Trump has earned a reputation as a brawler, his technique has been widely criticized for its crudeness. Clinton has shown much more finesse, something that Trump could find quite challenging to deal with.  It will be interesting to see whether Trump wants to go toe to toe right from the start or whether he’ll be cautious and hold back waiting to see what Clinton comes at him with. Trump has been known to jump in too fast and he has made costly mistakes as a result.

The pre-bout head games have been interesting to say the least, involving the names of celebrities like Mark Cuban and Gennifer Flowers. Neither Trump nor Clinton will hesitate to hit below the belt if the opportunity to do so without getting caught presents itself.  Since a low blow could be more troubling for Trump than for Clinton, it will be interesting to see which of our competitors goes there first. This could get ugly very quickly.

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Bombs and knives may take our lives, but words will win the Jihad!

Following up on the terrorist attacks of this past weekend, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said at a press conference, “We are in a narrative battle.”

Perhaps Josh Earnest is vying to become Secretary of Words in Hillary Clinton’s administration, if she is elected. If the United States truly is engaged in a narrative battle, we don’t seem to be winning. We are obviously going to need much better writers.

Jumping to conclusions?

Every time a bomb goes off in the middle of a major city or an apparent Jihadist tries to kill large numbers of people in a mall, or in a subway, or in a nightclub, or in some other busy area, some high government official - mayor, governor, whatever -  immediately urges people not to jump to conclusions about the culprits or any connection to Islamic terrorism.

People like President Obama and Secretary Clinton always stay very cool, calm, and collected as they read their comments off Teleprompters. Why can’t they get angry? When this stuff happens, I’d like to see someone get hotheaded and pound on the lectern for a change. That would be refreshing! And why not jump to a conclusion once in a while? Where would be the tremendous harm in that?

After Benghazi, President Obama, Secretary of State Clinton, and everyone else in that administration jumped to the conclusion that the murderous attack, which killed Ambassador Stevens and three other Americans, was due to the theatrical release of a terrible, horrible movie that cast Muhammed in a less than favorable light. (The President and his team did a fine job of selling that narrative too.) So, where was the harm in jumping to that erroneous conclusion? What difference did it make?

I’m Danny Murphy and I approve of this rant.

#MakeAmericaLaughAgain 

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Elect-ageddon: Donald's Deplorables vs. Hillary's Clintonables

This election is shaping up to be the ultimate political showdown. The Deplorables have been clearly defined. Hillary Clinton recently said, “You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic — you name it. And unfortunately there are people like that. And he has lifted them up. He has given voice to their websites that used to only have 11,000 people — now 11 million. He tweets and retweets their offensive, hateful, mean-spirited rhetoric. Now some of those folks — they are irredeemable, but thankfully they are not America.”

But what about the Cintonables? What do the Clintonables believe? They believe that Hillary Clinton, Our Lady of Whitewater, can do no wrong. They believe that her pathological lying is nothing to be concerned about. They believe that she has been falsely accused of jeopardizing the nation’s security by using a private email server. They believe, in spite of the disaster at Benghazi and other foreign policy failures, that she was an excellent Secretary of State. Finally, they believe that she is fit for office and that she will be a fine President.

I’m Danny Murphy and I approve of this rant.

#MakeAmericaLaughAgain #deplorables #clintonables

www.murphyatlaw.com

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Write-in Candidates or Two Party Tyranny?

A vintage Palm Beach County voting booth,
used in the historic election of 2000. 

Florida has a longstanding tradition of unusual elections. It’s part of Florida’s heritage and charm. Where would our nation be had it not been for the hanging and dimpled chads that helped to determine the outcome of the historic election of 2000? What would the ramifications have been if the kind-hearted people of Florida had not had the opportunity in 2002 to vote to amend the state constitution to improve the living conditions of pregnant pigs? The chads are gone, and we may never again see a constitutional amendment that compares to the pregnant pig measure. Where will it all end?

Article 4 of Florida Statute 99.095, the part of the statute pertaining to write-in candidates, was passed by the Florida legislature after due consideration in 1998. Furthermore, The Florida Supreme Court recently agreed, unanimously, with the Florida Court of Appeals that write-in candidates are genuine candidates, regardless of their likelihood of winning. Nevertheless, many, including the Editorial Board at the Florida Times-Union and other news organizations, want to do away with write-in candidacies.

I urge the citizenry of the great state of Florida to remember that quirky elections are one of the state’s most distinctive features. In almost every election cycle, elections in Florida generate more attention than elections in other states. Do Floridians really want to lose that? Do we really want to have elections that are as boring as the elections in any other state? If Floridians lose the right to run for high office as write-in candidates, we will all be one step closer to two party tyranny.

As for me, give me write-in candidacies, or give me death!

Here are a few links to contrasting opinions. Considering the high ethical standards of the Florida Legislature and the unerring wisdom of the Florida Supreme Court, there's not much chance of a change to the election statute in the near future. 

Florida primary: write-in votes - Sun Sentinel

Editorial: Write-in loophole shuts out voters - Gainesville Sun

Let's close the phony write-in candidate loophole

Write-in candidates deny more than a million votes in Florida elections ...

The Plague of Write-In Candidates on Florida's Closed Primary System

Phantom write-in candidates block voters from Florida elections

Poll: Should Florida ban write-in candidates? - TCPalm

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