Make America Laugh Again: President

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Hoke and Spare Change: How to run for Congress for $100

That's a vintage Palm Beach voting booth.
It was used in the historic election of 2000.

At the recent Trump rally in Jacksonville, I was asked by several people why I got into the race to represent the folks who live in Florida’s 4^thCongressional District. As a write-in candidate with no party affiliation, I am, admittedly, a long shot. So, why did I get into this race?

On April Fools’ Day, The Florida Times-Union used a letter to the editor by me in which I announced that I would run for President. Most of that letter was from a schtick I put together years ago when I was in comedy. It was Pat Paulsen-ish. Here’s an excerpt.
“Many Americans have lost their sense of humor. We no longer laugh as we once did. Candidates have been getting meaner and the jokes have been getting uglier. However, we can Make America Laugh Again. Not with insults to belittle one another, but with kinder gentler jokes. I envision an America with a thousand points of laughter, all over this great land of ours. This laugh is your laugh, this laugh is my laugh. Life, liberty, and laughter - these are the values that will bring our country back together. Ask not what your country can do to make you laugh. Ask what you can do to make a fellow American laugh. Give me laughter, or give me death!”
Two weeks later, when Congressman Crenshaw announced he was retiring, I looked into what it would actually take to get into the race for that seat. I discovered that it’s so easy a caveman could do it. Even a caveman with very limited resources.
This is the craziest election I can remember. The two candidates for President, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, are truly terrible. American voters are accustomed to choosing between the lesser of two evils. This year, determining which it is promises to be quite challenging. That being the case, I felt that becoming a candidate would provide me with a good platform from which to provide running commentary. Plus, I came up with a slogan that seemed perfect for this election season. “Make America laugh again.”
When I found out that it wasn’t prohibitively expensive to officially become a candidate, I decided to see how far I could go on a budget of $100, totally out of my own pocket. If elected, I won’t owe anybody anything. Getting the paperwork notarized and sending it off to Tallahassee by certified mail cost about twenty dollars. I spent another fifteen dollars on the hat and another twenty dollars on business cards. That leaves $45.00. So far, so good!
Even though I'm a bit of a long-shot, the idea of a steady gig that pays well ($170,000 plus solid benefits) is appealing. Also, it seems like the work would be interesting.

So, there you have it. I’ll be in this race and blogging about it through November.

#MakeAmericaLaughAgain

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

A Tale of Two Candidates. Are Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton suffering from I-mentia?

I-mentia is a disease of the brain in which a person processes information based solely upon how it affects him or her and reacts in a self-centered way in nearly all situations.

There are two common manifestations of I-mentia. The first is self-aggrandizing statements which can range from mild egocentrism to preposterous assertions of one’s own strength, intelligence, and capabilities.

The second common manifestation of I-mentia is fabricating stories to cast oneself in the best possible light. There is also obvious evasiveness when confronted with one’s own wrongdoing. This is frequently followed by rationalizations and fabrications which can be adjusted as often as necessary.

Are Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton suffering from I-mentia? Read the following select quotes and draw your own conclusions.

Wikimedia Commons

Donald Trump

"I alone can fix it."
“Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich.”

“When I think I’m right, nothing bothers me.”

“I will be so good at the military your head will spin.”

“Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.”

“I will be the greatest jobs president God ever created.”

"I'm a great Christian."

Hillary Clinton

Wikipedia

“I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base.”

“With all due respect, the fact is we had four dead Americans. Was it because of a protest or was it because of guys out for a walk one night decided to go kill some Americans? What difference, at this point, does it make?”

“We came out of the White House not only dead-broke, but in debt. We had no money when we got there and we struggled to piece together the resources for mortgages, for houses, for Chelsea’s education. It was not easy.”

“The American people are tired of liars and people who pretend to be something they’re not.”

They were the best of candidates. They were the worst of candidates.

Wikipedia

Actually, in many ways, they both seem to be as bad as, and quite possibly worse than, any candidate in recent history. Neither candidate appears to have an ethical bone in his or her body. American voters have been accustomed to casting their votes for the lesser of two evils for a very long time. However, in this election cycle, determining which candidate is less evil may present voters with a dilemma.

On one hand, we have a former Secretary of State who barely escaped being indicted for her illegal use of a private email server. On the other hand, we have a narcissistic businessman with very questionable ethics. It’s amazing that the race for the Presidency has boiled down to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

These are the candidates that try men’s souls. And women's souls too.